Down a Road We Must Go

On a mild October day in New England last week, a great lady was laid to rest.

My stepmom waged a two year battle against pancreatic cancer and though it was a fight she knew she would never win, that didn't stop her from trying.  From the time of her diagnosis, I struggled with being so far away and knowing that I wouldn't be there to help.  And then I came to the conclusion that this didn't happen when I lived nearby so there must be a reason I was meant to handle it from afar.  So I called more often to check in, sent things in the mail to put a smile on her face and visited as often as I could.

Now, as we grieve the loss, I am left again to figure out how to do that from afar.  To live and work where no one knew my stepmom means there are not those constant little reminders that she's gone.  It also means there's no one to say hey, remember the time Lois did this or said that with.  At times like these, I think it's not so much the greater void left by the person that hurts the most, it's the little moments that sneak up on you.  Last week when I made the trip north for the services, I started my journey with one of those little moments.  Whenever I traveled I would always text my stepmom updates along the way because she liked to track my progress.  Whether he wanted them or not, my brother got those texts this trip because it was too hard not to have someone to keep posted.

Grief is a winding road and it is a personal journey.  It can be a cherished memory, a tear sliding down our cheek or a disproportionate response to something benign.  It is a path we walk with the love and support of friends and family.  It is a path, at times, we walk alone.  There is no right or wrong way of passage on this journey.  It is a collection of little moments that we navigate as they come.

In sad times, I choose to think of it as if it were a coin.  On one side sadness, and on the other side gratitude.  Because in order to feel sad about the loss of something, we have had the opportunity to experience the joy of knowing it and that is something to be grateful for. 
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